The way it kind of works for me is that I need to almost "try out" what it feels like for it to not be my fault. And it doesn't stick, but I try it out again. It OVERWHELMS me and scares me to really truly believe that it's not my fault, but I can try to believe it one out of ten times...and then two out of ten...and hopefully someday ten out of ten.

You are so right about the unexpected pain being the worst kind, and I know I've spent my life trying to avoid ever having to feel that kind of pain again. But I realized recently that I am keeping myself in moderate pain ALL THE TIME, because of the POSSIBILITY of big pain happening. And it made me wonder...what if I let myself believe it wasn't my fault, and believe that I am okay just how I am? Could I let myself have that kind of peace, and let my guard down that much? Sometimes I think I can, but it took me a long time to get here.

Just asking the question is a step forward, jexa.