Hi inky,
I can relate to pretty well everything you wrote. So you're not alone in struggling with these things.The way I see it you've actually raised at least three different issues.
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My parents used to hate the fact that I wore jeans and t-shirts and kept my hair short. They hated that I opted for Stephen King instead of whatever the girls were reading.
They scratched their heads when, at seven, I told them I was going to be an MP (and so I am, or was, or whatever until I decide whether to go back to the Reserves).
I was never happier than when I was firing an M16 or an M9 or crawling through the dirt under barbed wire.
I bite my nails short, I don't wear make-up, I've got more muscle than most of the people I know, including the men.
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All of that is about gender identity. We live in a world where the majority of people are comfortable identifying with and behaving like one end or the other of the 'gender spectrum.' For those of us who find ourselves somewhere else along the spectrum, it can seem like there is something wrong about us. But really you said it well:
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I've always seen myself as just me, not necessarily male or female, just a person.
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As for sexual orientation, while it is related to gender identity, there is no one on one correspondence between the two. I know some 'masculine' women who are happy in heterosexual relationships, and also some 'feminine' men. And of course lots of gays and lesbians are not 'stereotypical' either. I think once you are in a frame of mind that allows you to be open to an intimate relationship, who you are interested in will show itself as a matter of course.
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Problem: I'm a Christian.
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I was raised in a Christian denomination in which being gay or lesbian was not a problem. To me the adjective 'Christian' is used in its truest form when it means "in a spirit of love and acceptance"
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Problem: I seem to have deadened myself against feeling anything for anyone. And I don't even know why I'm ranting about this, because being a lesbian who doesn't date is no different from being a straight person who doesn't date. In fact, I believe my current lifestyle makes me a nothing.
And although I'm pretty okay with that most of the time, sometimes I slip up and think it would be nice to have someone to talk to.
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Then there is the issue of loneliness and isolation. Most of my efforts in therapy are directed at learning why I am so unable to allow myself to connect with people in any emotionally satisfying way. You are far from being a nothing. And it is not a 'slip up' to want someone to talk to. But I understand how it can feel that way. I am usually able to keep my own loneliness out of my awareness, and when it does break through, it feels very painful. It can seem better to push it back down, but I know the feelings are telling me the truth, which is why i am trying to change my relationship with myself so that I can allow myself to have friends and someday perhaps even a partner.
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Then I wise up and realize that people are just people and I'm not really going to be happy with any of them because I don't like myself, either.
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One thing I have learned is that my negative take on other people is one of the many ways i defend against the pain of loneliness. And yes, it is all about how I feel about myself: undeserving and unworthy, which I am slowly learning to change, with a lot of help from professionals who treat me as worthy and deserving.
I couldn't do that
I hope I didn't go on about myself too much. Thanks for posting. As I said above, you're not alone with this stuff....