Hey all. Little background since I'm new to this area. I am diagnosed mith major depression,borderline,bi polar, genral anixety. *** my friends lovingly say I'm a hot mess.

In any case I am seriously tired of breathing. The depression drags me into the pits of hell where the rage fires me into screaming and yelling at everyone includeing my children. Only for the anxiety to crush me when I try to do something normal.

I look in childhood pictures and all I see is a fake plasted on smile. I have no memories except of being hurt nothing positive do I remmember . Like my wedding day or birth of my 3 kids. I remember nothing.

I am currently in a partial hospital program. On the 2 round of new meds. The first was Geodon and I had serious side effects so now I am going on day #5 with Ablify. She took me off klonipin cause it did nothing after being on it for almost 3 years and switched me to Atavan which does nothing either.

Just the way I feel drags me further into this depressive mess. I am 30yrs old and have been negleted, abused,forgotten, and emotionally depressed my entire life. Do I have a therapist no I have a case worker and yes we talk but the keep saying they are under medicateing me so I learn to deal and handle my emotions. But honestly I have given myself 1 more year. I am just tired of breathing. My kids do not even keep me going any more. I feel like I am slowly turning them into me. My own daughter at 10 is acting like me and is scared to see a T b/c she is scared they will tell her she will be like Mommy. We still set an appointment up for her and told her if she gets help now she will not turn into me. But hey there is still hope that my other 2 do not see and learn for me, right.