oh gosh, i'm soooo sorry that your attempt at getting help has been so traumatic for you. i can understand completely not wanting to talk about the past stuff, just wanting to get on and live a good life. i can imagine how scared i would have felt if my therapist had kept forcing me to talk about it even when i didn't want to (for what it's worth: i have only started talking about it in bits and pieces now, but i've been with my therapist/pdoc for 5 years so i trust him more and it's becoming relevant to the stuff i need help with).

i am really angry at your therapist for taking you somewhere where it wasnt safe and comfortable for you to go. i'm upset that she isn't providing you the care you need.

i hope you have stopped seeing this T. you mentioned you have a pdoc - do you think you can give him/her a call and say you're feeling suicidal? my pdoc is the person i trust because he's gentle with me. he's been there for me when i've been suicidal in the past. sometimes he just gives me some meds so i can sleep for a long time, and that makes it feel a bit better because i can take a break from reality without having to actually harm myself.

i understand that the crisis line can be scary, but i know you deserve good quality care and maybe these guys can help?? they might be able to do something short term to get you out of this bad place, and also link you up with a therapist who can help you in the way that you need help.

please keep writing here!! we'll support you in getting the help you need. don't let one idiot therapist keep you back from living the life you deserve.