well, after I wrote this thread, I was trying to find out what works for me best.

I definitely don't want to talk about my past anymore. I really want to let go all of them.

I've already learned a lot of things from my past and decided what I want to take in the future.

I am so done with meeting new therapist. I am so fed up with repeating myself and I don't want to dig up my past ever again.

The thing is that I've decided to move on and I told this new counselor that I want to focus on learning skills then she convinced me to talk about my past.... I don't know... why they can't hear me or listen to me.

I am so tired of trying to make others to understand me.
I've tried my best to express my needs and what I need help with.
When I get rejection and feel that I am not being heard, that takes away a lot of my self-esteem. Makes me feel like I am the problem. Only problem. No one can help me or willing to do so.

About my suicidal thoughts. It's something that I have to help myself.
No matter what others tell me to do or think in a certain way, I am the one who has to change that thoughts. So I am working on it.

I get really scared with hearing feed back or comments because I get distracted really easily and affect me too much. I am trying to learn to really listen to myself and trying to be independent.

So it was really hard to find fine boundaries in between asking help and doing things on my own.

I think the best thing and the things work best for me is that I have to let out my sadness and negative things. I can't keep them inside me anymore. At the same time, I need someone to listen. Because all these years, I kept too many things inside me and tried to figure out everything by myself.

I am still very scared and have no idea what to expect from me.

anyways, I think writing here helps.