Thank you all.

I'm trying to keep myself safe. Daytime is easier as I am so busy at work. Evenings are harder. However, I have managed to access lots of support today. I spoke to one of the people I will be meeting with at my hospital appointment on Tuesday and he asked questions that prompted me to talk about it a bit - which was amazing (given how hard I find it to talk to new people) and makes me feel much more positive about Tuesday. He even seemed to know something about DID and asked appropriate questions (which was what prompted me telling him about this flashback). He reassured me about the meeting and I was able to tell him a little of my past experiences of hospital and the fears I have arising from that.

I also phoned my counsellor last night and she phoned me back at work today while I was on a non contact lesson. I was able to talk to her about it in more depth and that really did help. I said I am scared of what else I might remember and she said that I will only remember what my brain can cope with. She read out the report she is sending to the hospital as background for my meeting, and said I should imagine her there with me if that would help. I jsut wish she could be there in reality. However, she said that the role of Ted, who phoned me, was to help and support me, and that the purpose of the meeting was to see how the support I need can be provided.

Finally I saw my GP tonight and he has given me some more strategies to ease the evening anxieties. OK, so they are drug strategies but I will take what I can to keep safe right now.

I even managed to talk a little to a colleague about the flashback and that helped - because she didn't seem to feel it was weird or odd at all, just felt for me. To feel "normal" in my reactions was a huge help.

I also realised one aspect of why this has had such an impact. I think deep down I have been doubting whether I am dissociative or whether I just have a poor memory - and this proves to me that it is not just a poor memory issue. I can't think of any reason why this would not have come up before if it was a memory issue. But I was totally unaware of it, and had blocked it off. I am still worried what else I have blocked off. I know now that this vicar saw me many many times on my own (inappropriate in itself) in his home (ditto) but I can remember only two of the meetings in any detail at all. The time I now remember he hugged and kissed me in a sexual manner and told me I was special. He also suggested (my parents were moving away from the village and I was unhappy to be leaving) that I could rent the cottage attached to the vicarage. It shakes me to recognise how close I came to doing that and how dangerous that could have been.

I'm feeling fragile rather than terrified tonight. I know it might take me a while to deal with this, and my counsellor has suggested it could be something we look at when we next meet.

I'm trying to block off some of the meory I have recovered at the moment. It is all too vivid and too much to deal with. So I hope I can contain it a bit till I have the opportunity to deal with it properly.

Thank you again - I really needed those hugs.

Caroline et al