I broke up with my fiance after 7 years of being together. The last few months with him were very very difficult. I still love him but he makes it impossible to be with him. He became abusive, hurtful, drinking, not sharing and making me feel worse than I have ever felt, by just being around him. I talked to him a few times to try to change this but he dismisses my attempts. So I had no choice but to leave him in order to maintain my sanity, well being and life long goals (he asked me to marry him but when ever it came to it he was not able to set a date and just kept dragging me on...). So on the 22 March I took a plane and flew away to be with my family. He texted me some more abuse and then told me I will be back with him. I decided I am not going back to him and not to go back to my house, plus not to tell him the date I return to the country. He will just make me feel horrible again and draw me in. So I came back to the country 2 days ago and staying at a friend's place, while she is away. He does not know I am here and as far as he is concerned I am still out of the country. The whole 2 weeks I was away he did not contact me. The thing is - while I was with my family I could cope. Now that I am back here and alone - I feel awful. So sad and empty. I cannot get excited about anything. I think about him all the time and miss him so much. My pain is unbearable. There are moments when I am hoping he will be the man I thought he was and we will have the life I thought we will have, get married and have kids. And then I remind myself how much I gave him and the relationship and have got nothing to show for it. No marriage. No kids. No commitment. No sharing. Only a man whom I love and tells me how horrible I am. I am angry with myself for thinking about being with him. As soon as I remind myself of how he treated me in the last year I just dont want to see him but I miss him so much. All my stuff are still in the house and once I move out I will come and collect it. It feels so weird not be in my own home. I dont know. I am just looking for support I guess as I am feeling really low today and so close to calling him but know I should not. When I think about the fact that its ended I get so so sad and I cannot see any postive. Sort of paralyzed. We have been trying for a baby for 3 years and were supposed to get married. I guess I am trying to let go of it all and just seems not to be able to. Your support and thoughts will be much much appreciated. I feel so awful.