First off I want to really thank both of you (jexa and shezbut) for discussing this.

You are welcome, Trojanwarhero.
I've always wanted to limit other people's misery with the wisdom I have gained through my life's experiences. That is my hope. Thank you for the compliment.

Does it (shame) orginate from the fact that it recreates the conflicting feelings of arousal that occured during the rape? Or is it more of a societal shame? A belief that this behavior is deviant and shouldn't be engaged in?

I would say that my shame stems from the conflicting feelings of arousal during such evil events. I have a very hard time disconnecting the bonded emotions, arousal and shame, because of past experiences. This is an ongoing challenge that I struggle with. Just recently, I have begun allowing myself to enjoy sex. But it really did take time, sincere trust, and a general acceptance of myself. Before my current boyfriend, I was unable to fill those needs.

My personal beliefs of that behavior are mixed. It is exciting ~ but I cannot accept compliments (on anything) without shame nudging it's way in. For example: when my boyfriend calls me beautiful or sexy, I automatically don't believe him and often feel shameful for whatever I did prior to the compliment. I try hard not to roll my eyes (as I have always done) and insult him. It's hard ~ I hate it. I wish that I didn't do these things. But I do.