Lately, I have realised that I have no real future planned. Sure, I am going to college, but I don't know what on earth I want to be. There is nothing I am really passionate about in life, there never was anything, and I get the feeling that there never will be. I don't excel in anything in particular. Sure, I seem smart to my parents and some other people with my logic and ideas of things as well as conclusions and solutions, but there isn't a specific thing that I am really good at or want to do in life. I get told to become a doctor because I have an obsession with organs and how they work, including blood and it's uses; the brain is the most fascinating. Despite my "obsession" it's nothing serious to the point where I'll spend hours researching or anything. I just like them, and I enjoy reading on them here and there.
Usually, I get the feeling that I was destined to die earlier in life, or that I was supposed to be a bum because of all that I said before. I was even sent to a behavioral health center my senior year of high school because I had an imaginary friend. They told me I had some form of schizophrenia, gave me meds, kept me for a few more days before sending me on my way and advised me to schedule appointments with a psychiatrist. After a few relapses, and now not even being on the pills anymore, I don't have that friend anymore but I am still biting my nails, have paranoid behavior, and constantly keeping my ears covered for fear that someone could hear my thoughts. I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know how to tell anyone in real life. I am considering telling them what I am telling you, but why do that when I know they are just going to tell me that I should be happy and that I should stay in school and go out more or something. That maybe I should try to find love because it could help, but I don't see how.They don't understand that I don't want to go out more, that I hate my self because of my weight and because of my absurd mindset as well as imagination, and that I feel so dead and useless.
Sometimes, I wonder if I should just commit suicide already, but I don't want to because as much as I hate the life I am leading, I don't want to die. I don't know what to do. I need help. Someone, please, help me. I'm so tired, always tired, and not much of an appetite anymore. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know what to do. I have no more hope. I feel so dead and I don't know what to do anymore.