Hi everyone, it's good to have a place like this to communicate with people going through things similar to what I am going through. My issue right now is that I have come to believe that I have bipolar II, however, I have not gone to a doctor about it just yet. I sort of hate doctors and I didn't want to go in there with just an idea about something I think I might have, and nothing solid to prove that it existed. However, I have been reading some people's stories online and some of them really resonate with me-- because they sound like me.

First a quick background: I was a very energetic but also anxious child. My mom has told me that grade school teachers suggested I go on ADHD medication because I had trouble holding still but my parents decided against it. The anxiety also came early on. In the years after my grandfathers both died (within a few weeks of each other-- I think I was about 7 or 8), I had serious anxiety attacks where I would think that I was dying. My heart would be racing, I would scream and cry until sometimes I made myself sick. I started thinking I had different diseases, worrying about where my younger siblings were all the time, etc. As I got older this seemed to get better, as did (I think), my ability to control my excess energy. Then when I was about 13 or 14 I started experiencing depression-- though I don't know if I really understood it at the time, and certainly wasn't on the lookout for hypomania. It got worse as I got older and I withdrew, and at about age 17 I developed anorexia. For about 5 very scary years after that I continued to be depressed and stayed at a dangerously low weight. I was often depressed but also highly productive during those college years. I worked two jobs to pay for school, I got good grades doing a double major, I volunteered, I wrote a book (writing has always been a huge part of my life), and refused to slow down. I refused hospitalization, tried several different therapists but didn't stick with it, and also went on the highest possible dosages of different depression medications, which didn't seem to help-- leading me to quit those too. Now, although my weight has come back to normal, I don't feel better. I gained the weight back after months of binging episodes that I couldn't control, not a carefully structured eating plan. And gaining back the weight has not helped the depression that I believe started the disorder in the first place.

So now: I am 24 years old, and here is what my moods are like. I sometimes go through what I call my "bad" days where I am laying on the couch in the dark and would rather see no one. I went for a few weeks recently where I would stay up all night then sleep through the entire day. During these days I feel lethargic, sad, weepy, and sometimes suicidal. I take everything to heart, (although I think I am always extremely sensitive, just my reactions differ depending on my mood), I feel hopeless and guilty and worthless. But then I have my good days. This is where I am unsure, because I know hypomania is what differentiates depression from manic depression. On my good days (which seem far fewer than the bad ones), I still have a lot of trouble sleeping, but I'll get up early anyways and feel energized after a few hours sleep. I'll cook a breakfast, then immediately start being productive, whatever that might mean for the day-- applying for jobs, laundry, sorting, cleaning, cooking from scratch, writing, etc. Basically doing all of the things I haven't been able to do on the bad days. But on my good days I also tend to annoy people. Especially my family. I feel positively twitchy-- don't know how else to say that-- like I just have all this energy coursing through me and I can't hold still. Restless, is a good word to use I guess-- I often tap my fingers or move my feet continuously even when I am sitting or lying down. I also talk a lot, talk loudly, and laugh way too much at things that aren't as funny as I feel they are. I am overly affectionate, excited, and don't stop talking, singing or whatever else it is I am doing even when people ask me to and I know I should. Sometimes on these days I can get so restless that I go from acting really happy to annoyed with family members who are frustrated by my energy. I snap at them, sometimes fly into a rage, or, once and a while, snap back into feeling depressed because it somehow feels like I've failed at something. It is a tiring back and forth sort of thing-- there could be a pattern, I don't know, but it seems like there are only normal feeling hours, not days.

I think that's everything-- sorry this is so long! I wanted to be sure to include everything the way I experienced it because there are some symptoms to manic depression that I feel don't fit what I experience, (especially not bipolar 1 manic symptoms-- mine aren't that extreme), but there are other symptoms that seems to fit me perfectly. I am hoping that if some people can respond by sharing and comparing their experiences to mine, that I can see if I have a valid concern.

Thanks so much for your help!