Why do I always do this to myself??? T and I already talked about this for the past 2 weeks??????

I sent my mom some pictures of my son. Just so you all know, my mother, father, brother and his friends were the ones that abused me. They all could give to sh**s about me and my life. They don't even come see their grandson. Only once since he was born and he is 16 months old. I know, you are all thinking WHAT THE H**L?????

So, I've been feeling really sad and upset lately, well since the end of last year when I finally said enough is enough and I can't take how they treat me any more so I told them to stay out of my life.

Any ways, I've been having that need to talk to them, go see them, can't do that since they still live in the house that I grew up in, already tried and almost commited suicide there about 2 years ago...sorry getting off track, I am just so angry, sad, hurt, knowing I'm not loved by them, yet I send her pictures???? What the heck is wrong with me. I know they don't give a crap, yet...I always give in to my hurt and my desires to still want to try and have a relationship with them. I know that will never work. That is why I kicked them out of my life in the first place.

I've tried to make it work for us for over 3 years and I always end up hurt and the one being ridiculed, bi..hed at, the one left holding all the hurt and pent up feelings.

Now, I'm angry at myself, hate myself for even sending them. Then she starts asking me questions about him. Stupid, f***ing idiot I am, I even answered her quesitons. I am so messed up. so freaking stupid...no wonder I can't get my life together. UGH...at the same time, I just want to sit and cry and crawl in a hold and die. I've caused all this mess. If I would have just kept my mouth shut, not gone to therapy 3 years ago, none of this would have ever happened.

What the h**l tryingtobeme are you doing to yourself. I am so confused, sad, hating myself, when will this life just be over...I am so tired of it all. I wish I did succed at ending my life.