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Hi,
I'm after some assistance with my current relationship. My girlfriend and I have been dating for approx 10 months now and it's fair to say that our relationship has had its ups and downs over this period.
I have a few issues of my own that I'm currently working through with a therapist, and have come to the realization that being in a relationship with any partner, let alone my current one, is not currently what I want or need in my life. The challenge I am facing is that my girlfriend has abandonment issues and ending the relationship is not as easy as it may seem.
In the past, she has undergone therapy to identify these abandonment issues and was quite upfront when we first started dating about this. At first I didn't really do any research into this or understand the implications of these abandonment, till the first time that I tried to walk out on the relationship (approx 4 months into it). The resulting reaction and hysteria that followed came as quite a shock to me because it certainly wasn't expected, and at the time I considered it totally irrational behavior.
However, now that I understand a little more about her abandonment issues, I can certainly sympathize with her and understand from her perspective what drives these reactions.
Since this time, I have probably tried to end the relationship a handful of times, each time resulting in a similar reaction. She gets hysterical, throws things around her apartment and the scariest part, threatens to harm herself which I obviously do not want her to do.
On each occasion, I have backed down and agreed to stay in the relationship, almost out of obligation to her because she has done a lot for me in the time that we've been together. However, I now understand that staying in the relationship for her sake and not mine is not going to do either of us any favors in the long run. I also shy away from conflict which makes this all the more difficult, because when we're in the full thrust of the discussion and things get heated (which they inevitably do), I just want to walk out and let things calm down which obviously makes things worse for her from an abandonment perspective.
For the most part, she is a reasonable person and acts accordingly, but when these feelings of abandonment surface, this tends to go out of the window as you would expect it to.
So I guess what I really need help with is how to end this relationship? It may seem pretty black and white to some, but for me it's not that simple because I do care for her a lot and really don't want to a) see anything bad happen to her, or b) deal with the resulting hysteria again. I'm also not only afraid of what she may do to herself, but there's also a fear of what she may do to me as well.
Any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated.
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