"I always tell myself that 'I want to die.'
I am planning the best, pain-free way to end my life.
I'm a waste of space and she would be better off without me ruining her life. "
I thinks so (understatement)
If your friend told you this what would you say?
If you had a son/daughter what would you say?
Basically you are worth it, you are worth living and the wanting to die, I think is an escape. However there is hope, there are many ways to take your life and tons on people that want to help you. I feel like you are on the downward spiral of isolation/loniness/darkness... ect a good start is to get a professional diagnosis (screening for depression) then you know what you are dealing with.
I wish I could take your darkness away and fill it with love, but only you have the power to do this.