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Silently tears fall, these wet drops falling down my face and filling my eyes before they empty the one’s before. Pain swallows me at an intensity never felt before. I have never been able to tell anyone of this pain, always trying to be strong and put on a front so no one knows what is really going on. But now I cannot get away and something inside is taking place. And I am scared.
I know I am not alone in this pain. Those within myself hurt just as much and though they are me, they hold the pain and memories I never felt and blocked out so I could be. Their silent screams have become my reality. When one steps forward it seems I am able to reach forth accepting them and telling them I am proud of them for what they did, they did their job well, and that I love them. Tears fill my eyes as I reach for them. Somehow knowing they are me, yet they seem so separate I can reach out to them.
Right now I feel not as myself but as a very small me. I feel as though I am reaching down at a great distance writing this. I am afraid of the me sitting there, and for some reason I feel as though I cannot reach out to myself. Is it because she doesn’t want me to or is it because I won’t?
Tears fall for that little girl where terror separated us. From where I am she looks so sad, so lost, the same looks that fall upon my own face both now and before when I did not really exist. I used to turn into a stone for stone has no feeling. It has no emotions. It can almost fade away into the rubble. When it falls it does not hurt and it does not see what is taking place, for it has no eyes.
As a stone, many times no one even notices you. You are one in a million. You can be picked up and thrown but it does not matter, it does not hurt. Stone has no color, therefore, no one cares to look at you, so your secrets stay safe within you. You can be kicked many times and yet you never show any signs of what has taken place.
A stone doesn’t draw any attention to itself for it can lie dormant forever. This stone has jagged----sharp edges, it hurts to get close yet somehow gives it a strength against time. Sometimes keeping away those that try to get too close. You can step on it but the weight does not crush it. Some pieces break off with time and though it breaks it does not die.
No matter how loud a stone cries out it cannot be heard for it has no voice and its silence echoes back into its self. Words do not have to make sense for a stone and it has no thoughts. A stone knows no time. It does not know if it’s been a minute, hours, days, months, or even a year. To a stone it just is. You are there then there again, or maybe you never left. A stone doesn’t really belong anywhere, it can be any place for no one cares whether it comes home or stays gone. No one would miss it.
I am really scared and I am trying so hard to hide it. I feel so cold, more than the cold outside, more than shivering but of terror. No one really understands this feeling. I keep trying to turn back to a stone but something is not allowing me. A stone doesn’t feel, a stone doesn’t see, a stone doesn’t know but I know. I don’t want to know.
Another second, minute, minutes tick away. I feel so much shaking within----a fear I have not known. My head echoes back in loud waves entangling the off button, I cannot reach it. The silence surrounding me outside of myself gives way for the voices screaming within and the fear no one can detect. I keep feeling this startling feeling, almost a jump outside of myself. My head is pounding and it feels it is swelling though no one sees. The feeling my breathe is leaving me forever.
I’m not staying in my mind----I am too scared. They said make new memories of this day----I say STOP spinning. STOP SPINNING. Around and around----makes me dizzy. Can anyone hear me? Can anyone reach me? My breathing sounds as screams within myself----it startles me. Chills are everywhere and I feel so cold. For a moment the scream within turned to snow like the picture is being frozen yet blocked. I feel like I’m falling at a rate of speed no one can stop. Where is anyone? Why is it so quiet?
My heart is ripping in shreds and I cannot explain the pain. I am lost and alone. Tears fill my eyes as I realize everything I hid away. Not even time can find me. No one can feel this----no one. And no one can hear that my heart is screaming. I want to be a little girl again and not know evil, not know hate. I want to play, laugh. I want to be normal. I just want to be normal.
I want to know love. I want someone to care. Someone to hold me when I cry. Someone to hold me now. I feel so alone. I feel so worthless. I feel so bad. I want to be a good girl. I feel so afraid. Afraid of myself and all that is with me I cry. Something inside me snaps, I cry again. Please somebody hear me. Don’t leave me here alone. I’m scared. Nothing feels okay. Nothing looks okay. Everywhere I see red. I’m sorry. I will be good. I’m scared.
Another night of no sleep, thoughts keep going yet seem to be stalling where I can see what is taking place. I hear all within talking and I feel their silent screams echoing through me as if I were made of glass. I feel so exposed as if the world could look right through me. And I wonder can the world outside of me hear what is going on or what I am hearing. I do not think so, but then again if I am a stone I would not know.
Some part of me is floating, above all that is taking place. Above the place where nothing was safe, where nothing made any sense. Where time disappears and you just are. Some part of me is reaching back but another part is hanging on with all I have in the present. Trying not to push away from those that are here for me yet, feeling as though I do not deserve anyone.
If anyone is listening please do not judge me for with this comes already enough guilt and shame. Enough feeling that I am nothing and not worth even being heard. Something inside keeps telling me to hit the delete button, but another part is pushing me to go forward. To allow someone to know where I am as best I can. Even though I know I am not alone----it feels alone. And all I can do is cry in silent tears and hope something makes sense.
dps
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