Well I go see T today but for the first time ever - I do not want to go.
I had a dream last night that someone I trusted (it was not anyone I knew in real life - just someone I trusted in the dream world) caught me trying to escape from some big castle. She took me to some place in the castle as was going to break my fingers one by one. I PANICED!!!

I spent the night running from her and trying to hide. It was insane!!!

I woke up crying and missing my alters. I only have Andy left and he is almost totally blended now too. I wanted someone to hug me and comfort me and help me make it through the dream but no one was there!!

I am feeling angry with T because I think I blame him for taking my alters away from me. It is not that I want to be dissociative at all. It is just that no matter what life brought me, they were always there for me!!
I couldn't count on anyone in this life to not harm me. My mom hated me even though she loved me - she hated me because my dad was too close to me. My dad loved me but he used me for his own needs. So that was not love. The people I did love either died or turned out to not love me. And the whole time I at least had ME to turn to when I had no one else in the whole universe.

Now I don't even have that. I have got to get my butt back to work soon - just because I want this to be DONE NOW !!!! But I am afraid of doing that because I will be all alone inside!!! This morning I was trying to call out to my alters and no one was ansering!!! I know they say this is healthier to live this way - but I feel like I have lost all of who I ever was and the only people who really did love me or know me at all when no one else did!

Maybe I am just being silly or stupid or whatever - a wimp. I don't know and I don't even care right now. I hate this world and I hate being in this world without even myself as a friend if that makes any sense at all.