Is it possible to have PTSD related to work? It would be funny if it wasn't so completely and utterly painful for me. Every day I wake up feeling like I just need to "pull myself up" and get myself back to work. I hate taking money from my father (even though he has offered it). So I go online and I try to search out something that doesn't sound horrible, something part-time. I say a small prayer that the person I am responding to is friendly and someone I could get along with... This morning I applied to one job only to do some extra searching to find out it was kind of a scam. I feel physically hurt by people who are not up front. I feel hurt by how much other people want out of you for nothing. It leaves me wanting to crawl back in my shell. I feel too tired and too undone for all of this. I know what I need is the ability to brush it off. Whenever I apply for a job, whether I end up at work there or not, I am encompassed by an anxiety that grabs a hold of my neck and stomach. Makes me miserable. Makes it difficult to stop sobbing. I am filled with anger. I know these reactions are psychologically deep-seated. I know it has to do with self-esteem and with my resistance to having somebody else in control of me. I am not lazy. I will spend all day cleaning my own house or working at my artwork. Volunteering almost seems easier. I think I am doomed to never allow myself any financial success.
Just needed to vent. Thank you all for listening.
Wishes to all of you too.