Thank you all so much. I just got back from my T. I opened the session by handing him the post I wrote above. Then I sat back with my arms folded trying to hide the fact that I have been crying all morning long. T saw I was hurting then the tears started again.

I explained how it was so hard to want to hear my alters and how not having them just automatically respond felt like I had lost my closest friends. I don't think people who do not have DID really understand what this feals like because it is a real family inside of us in many ways. T did a good job listening and told me it was me mourning the loss of an adictive coping behavior that had served to help me at one time but now was not needed. So I kinda can accept that he sees it from that point of view. But I also know more deeply now that only people who have DID can really comprehend what I am saying when I say I MISS my alters. I know other drugs can be missed and people grieve that loss when they are in recovery... and I will admit there is a part of that whole concept that does fit. But these were real part of me that acted on their own and I did not control them.

He said they are still will me - and I can feal that is true. But I still felt like I had taken my peeps and shoved them off the boat. He said that what I really did was pulled them back into the boat to really be with me.

So I still have some stuff to process with all of this. But at least I do kinda feal better. He has me off work one more week next week - so I can solidfy all of this and get comfortable in my new skin. I will not see T again until next Monday unless I need him Friday. So that is a few days longer that I just need to sit with this emotion and let it be what it is. What a journey this has been.

Hugs to all !!!