[I do have the feeling that if I concentrate on today's relationships I might get somewhere. The resistance to doing so is immense, and that's one of the reasons I think that's the way to go. Any ideas?]

Call a friend you haven't talked to for awhile, just to see how they are. Give an honest compliment to those around you - e.g. your wife; the people next to you in the grocery store check out line; etc. Go to a social event, such as a Senior Citizen's [you said you were 64] dance with your wife. Make calls that might have future benefit [e.g. calling the closest Vo Tech Rehab program, to see if they might finance some additional training to bring you up to date in your field. If they do not, be sure to ask if they know of an agency or program that might be helpful in this manner]. Look for a way to contact the mediation professionals you refer to, to see if they might be willing to refer cases to you when they get too busy. Remember that, while we might want out of our situation, that doesn't mean we want to die. How can you want something you know nothing about? See whether there is a local Mental Health Center, where you might seek treatment on a sliding scale. Doing something, even if it is a small thing, toward the eventual resolution of your problems, is helpful in lifting your mood and in distracting you from negative thoughts. You have a friend who understands problems with relationships, or lack thereof. billieJ