Hi everyone, and thanks sooo much for your kind support!
So, latest update - we had a fight! I started it. I had started to get suspicious when he was late home on a Friday night, I could tell he was lying to me. I was just building up to confront him, tell him about the nightmares, how I can't trust him. Then Easter came and he showered me with chocolate eggs, even had flowers delivered. I was placated. Until he was late home again, without letting me know he would be. So when he finally got in we ranted and raved. I still think a lot of what I said to him was true. I threatened to leave.
But he said two really important things.
1 - I had let the relationship become everything to me. This is true. I used to be wild, free spirited, independent. We relocated, I guess I blamed him for "following" him and giving up my job, my life. I became passive. I gave away my personal power. I relied on him for all my happiness. This is true. When he said I used to be really independent and wasn't any more (of course I argued you cant be totally independent in a marriage) but it was like a light went off. I want strong, independent, happy me back. I claim this. How can I expect him to respect me when I don't respect myself? How can I be happy when I blame everyone else for my misery?
So - actions: I am working on setting up a business, and going back to university to finish my post grad studies. I will finish my book. I will do these things for ME!
2 - He was lying to me about being late that Friday night. He had snuck out to buy me easter eggs.

So, I feel bad about not trusting him, but I don't feel bad about trying to make him understand. I think he is shell shocked now. I am going to leave it all alone for a while and just focus on me. I don't think we need any more dramas or fights or crying or recriminations for a while. I am glad I said what needed to be said. And now I choose to live for me again. Not chase his love. The best way for me to get better is not feel him reaching out for me, but to remember what it's like to know love and confidence in my own heart. Where-ever we end up then, I will be ok. I have to stop needing him quite so badly.

So, there we are, for what its worth. Hope maybe my experiences are helpful to other people! And thanks everyone!