tractionbeam, I have had that happen to me and been very sure that T said something and when I tried to discuss it, he said he had not. I think what is most important is that at this moment, in the present, he does not believe it or say it again. In the present moment he is not saying what I didn't like hearing before when he said it (if he did). So it seems this more recent experience is what matters. Even if he did say it in the past, if he isn't saying it now or doesn't believe it now, then that is good, right? I need to take him where he is at today. There seems no point in my arguing that he said something in the past that he isn't saying now. Would my desire be to prove to him I'm right and he's wrong? Where would that get me? If I "won" that victory, would that be helpful to me? For myself, I can see quite quickly that it wouldn't help me at all and that it is better to truly understand what my T thinks and believes TODAY rather than what he may or may not have said in the past, which I may have incorrected perceived or not. This is just my attitude and may not work for you. My attitude is colored by the experience of growing up with a mother who was obsessed with always having to be right, and got horribly upset if others doubted her words and went to great lengths to prove to others that she was right. She always told people how she had an excellent memory so she could not be wrong. Yuck. I do not want to be like my mother! All my mother's insistence on being right about everything did not make her a happy person or help her relationships. If my T says he didn't say or mean what I thought he did, it is good enough for me. Usually what I am recalling is something he said that I didn't like or found hurtful, so it is good to know he actually didn't really mean it. I certainly don't want to insist he said bad things when he doesn't feel that way!

I like what izzy said about the relationship being more important.

Why?