I feel like I'm going nuts, nobody seems to want me anywhere, I've never been welcome by anyone. I haven't felt so crap in 2 or 3 years, and I'm getting so sick of people for not caring about me that I just don't want to speak to most people I know. My mum came over to help me clean, then my grandparents showed up to give her a birthday present but I didn't come outside. When my grandparents asked where I was my mother said 'she doesn't feel like talking to anyone at the moment' (I had asked her to tell them if they asked, that I had been feeling miserable and didn't feel like talking to people right now), so they both just pulled a face. No 'is she okay' or anything.They should already know I didn't feel like talking, I haven't spoken to anyone in weeks and I have told my cousin who lives with them twice because she was questioning me as to why I wasn't speaking to them, I replied to an email telling her why, my grandmother then told my mother a few days ago that my cousin said I had never responded, but my cousin told me she hadn't even looked at her email. It doesn't add up.

I got upset, I ended up telling my mum she could leave if she wanted, so she did, and I flipped out. Lately when I get upset I've been having these spaz attacks I guess you could call them, and today I started hitting myself in the head with the first thing I could grab. When I was a teenager and was having breakdowns because of the things that were happening, I got into the habit of hitting my head (usually on a wall) or pulling my hair out (literally handfuls at a time). I don't pull my hair out anymore, but I still hit my head against walls occasionally when I get really upset.
I know why I feel this way, the lack of concern and the feeling of being unwanted has always been a trigger for me because I was neglected, and I was left in an unsafe situation of abuse by family members who barely did anything to stop it (they were so concerned that they wouldn't let their kids step foot in our house but they still left me there).

All I want to do right now is have nothing to do with most people, get a job, become completely independent (you'd think after 4 and a half years of living alone I'd be able to manage without people's help), and then reappear to people as a completely different person.

I'm driving myself bonkers with the people around me, I'm sick of the lot of them. I'm going to end up having another breakdown if I keep dealing with it all. There are so many people who I have helped that barely make a note of it if I am down, and people who say that they care and would help me, but then suddenly disappear.
I'm sick of feeling as though I'm not wanted anywhere, I'm sick of this stupid PTSD, I'm sick of not having a job because I'm a coward, I'm sick of having nightmares every single night, I'm sick of crying for 3 days if someone gets angry at me, I want to have a God damn life and a job and a relationship and friends that actually want something to do with me.

What am I even talking about, I'm just sitting here babbling on about how my life sucks and it probably doesn't even make sense.