The guy I'm with is a very good lover and I've been happy with our sex life. In my last serious relationship, my partner and I engaged in BDSM. It got to the point were I couldn't have an orgasm without at least thinking about BDSM. I was torn about my desires because I a feminist, I HATE sexual violence against any gender, and also, some of the things that turned me on also made me feel shame or humiliation, so there was this mix of enjoying it and feeling negative about the experience. Also, while some people don't feel the need to push the envelope more and more, I think I sort of did. I regained the ability to climax without having BDSM activities or fantasies. I do enjoy gentle love making, as well as rough love making, and the reason I like rough lovemaking isn't all about the BDSM aspect- I just genuinely like the physical sensation. I like both easy and rough now. Anyway, my new lover isn't really into BDSM though he has said a couple of things that leaned in that direction. However, I confessed to him one night that I used to be so into it, I couldn't climax without it, and I also admitted some of my neg. feelings that I used to have from it. Since then, he seemed to avoid that sort of thing more. He never was really into it, but I feel that saying that might have turned him totally off to doing any of it because he doesn't want me to become addicted to it again, or to make me feel bad. Part of me thinks I don't even want to go there because I like what we're doing. I don't really feel like the BDSM is missing, so why even bring it up, I guess. There's something I wanted to ask him to say for awhile, that's kinky, but I never asked for it, and now I'm unclear if I want it or not. Even though he knows I like BDSM, he doesn't know I like a particular kinky phrase. I hinted at it before, but while discussing it, found out he finds the kinky phrase.....a bit disgusting or too deviant. So, I never told him I liked it. It doesn't seem like something I need, and I don't know if I even want it anymore, so why risk making him think I'm a perv? Yet, part of me wonders if maybe part of him does like it deep down and only part of him is weirded out by it, because sometimes that happens with kinky stuff....but then, I think, maybe he is just entirely repulsed by it. Could he understand my liking it or will he think I'm a sicko?