I am OK, Chris. I know you are just trying to be honest with me. I value that in your answers to posts on the board.

It's still hard to shake the feeling.

I don't know If I feel like I am faking, but I do sometimes feel like it isn't possible for me to have bipolar. When this p-doc is being confusing, I can't help but think that she is getting some kind of power trip out of messing with me.

Last appointment, when we were wrapping up and writing up prescriptions, I asked about going off lithium for a month to see what happens with my weight. I tried to stand up to myself when she was quoting a conversation we never had about my having to go to the hospital and wondering at what point I need to be put there for my safety. She told me that my memory or lack of memory for the conversation is irrelevant and at this point she needs to evaluate whether or not I need to be in the hospital if I want to go off Lithium because she is convinced that I will plummet. Not ten minutes before when I was telling her about my massive weight gain on Lithium, she said that the options were to deal with it and go on a diet, or go off Lithium and try something else.

What is she trying to do?

That is why I think she is treating me with either palcebos or with such tiny doses that they wouldn't even treat a mouse with bipolar, to see if I lose it and make her fake conversation come true.

I am going to look up all my meds online and make sure I am on the real thing and that they are good doses for effective treatment. (The first thing she said to me when I walked in was, "So have you been looking up all your meds and working yourself into a frenzy?" I am the sort of person who wants to be a "good patient" so by saying this to me, I feel like I did the wrong thing when I was looking up my meds for side effects. She doesn't want me to look up my meds because she thinks I am too suggestible and will take on side effects that are listed. Also she doesn't want me to be suggestible to the fact that I am on doses that won't treat me. She knows I will look stuff up.

I really don't want to go back to her.