I am quickly spirilaing downward. I feel completely and utterly hopeless and useless. I have ruined everything and everyone around me. I am paranoid, worried about being so self-absorbed right now, and just thinking evil thoughts of taking a bottle of Lunesta. I hate this and I am tired of it. It goes away and then comes back, so why should I continue this cycle? I have just agreed to a new teaching position next year that requires incredible strength and determination, yet I feel none of that. I completely played along at the interview and I knew the right words to say. I can't even handle day to day life, much less such a demanding job. What are my options at this point? No one can know how I am really feeling. My coping skills are more pills and alcohol. It's so ridiculous. I mean, isn't all of this just so hysterical!!! I have tried it all, done it all, and it all ends up the same. At this dark tunnel trying to figure out how to dig my way out. Finding something to make the pain go away. Manipulating people and situations to make everything appear just so. It is crazy. I just want to sleep.