Thank you sooo much Rayna. You're very special and dear to me.

I love y'all too, fayerody. Y'all have helped me so much, I hope I can somehow repay each of you one day by helping anyway I can. Thanks so much.

I actually went out tonight, by myself. Drove around for a good hour or so thinking on what I could do so I went to the mall. The NA meeting was already over for the night so I didn't go there, next best thing was the mall I guess. lol Went into a store called Spencers looking at keychains (I have an obsession with keychains) and someone tapped me on the shoulder. Turned around and it was my old sponser! She was in town for the weekend visiting family. We went to the food court and had some coffee and talked for awhile. Told her about everything going on and she told me, "Don't look at this as a mess up. Look at this as a blessing."... I asked her why and she said, "Because many addicts relapse, sometimes several times before they stay clean and sober. Some are chronic relapsers and because of you knowing how relapse feels, you can help another relapser when the time comes. Every situation we get put in or put ourselves in are situations we can learn from."... The self hatred and self pity is now gone. I'm forgiving myself because I know my God has forgiven me.

I do want to say something, though... To anyone who's used and/or drank and had a problem (addiction) with it. When you first started getting clean and sober, you either feel this enormous weight lifted from you and are excited about the journey you are fixing to embark on or you're feeling miserable because you no longer have any (clean) friends and your life was centered solely around drugs so you don't know any fun places to go, etc, etc, etc... Either way, do not, I repeat, DO NOT lose your hope and faith and figure you can beat this or that it's already beaten you and you can't get back up because it's neither. God gives us wisdom to know the difference between what's right and what's wrong. The moment you start thinking you've had enough help and can go back into the world you once lived in is the moment you're asking for relapse. Or the moment you say to yourself, "I'm never going to amount to anything so why try?", is also the moment you're going to end up relapsing. You can't be strong in this fight addiction. Strength doesn't get you *****... What does get you somewhere in recovery is being SMART. Change your surroundings; the people you hang with, the places you hang out at, get rid of the things that remind you of using dope or drinking. Everytime you feel the urge to use or drink, hit your knees to the floor and start praying to whoever your Higher Power is. The serenity prayer has helped me a great deal.

I've been in recovery long enough to know this fight against addiction isn't a fight at all. Why fight something you know you can not win against? This is when you turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand Him. We, at anytime, do NOT take back our care and our will from God, when that happens, you're asking for relapse to walk back into your life. We must keep and stay surrendered to our Higher Power.

I got to where I was starting to think, "I think God has given me enough time away from the dope to make me realize I'm not addicted to it and can use it ever so often.", boy how wrong was I?! That wasn't ME thinking that, it was the dope I was so desperately wanting talking. They called crystal meth the devils drug for a reason... It takes you down roads you'd never imagine going. Those two hits from that pipe lastnight made me realize all this. Made me realize I had taken back what I had given to God... My will and care. The moment I took it back, He sat back with his arms crossed and allowed me to make my mistake. Now I've given it back to Him and I know He can work many things through me and help me.

Hope this all makes sense. It's 1:47am and I'm kinda restless tonight.