It's weekend night here, but I'm feeling depressed. It was triggered by something between me and a friend of mine. I was going to explain the sitation, but suddenly mentally got tired of even mentioning it...

I can't believe this is what I can contribute to the forum after long time of laying low. I'm feeling guilty. But it also reminds me the greatness of this place and people here. Whenever we are feeling down, this is always a good and safe place to come. As the way I'm feeling now, I could really use some warm hugs from you guys. I'm sitting right now in this empty office room all by myself, and ourside there's the crazy world. The people are running to where they wanted to go, to be with their friends, family, loved ones... I'm just suddenly feel I'm so alone Can't remember when was the last time I've cried, but I'm certainly tearing at this very moment I hope it will brush away some of the bad feeling I have and make my heart pure again, like crystal.

I can't believe these depressing feelings come back to me again. I thought I've defeated them, even I didn't win completely, at least it shouldn't attack me in a so sudden way, I wasn't prepared. I thought I've managed pretty well, but I guess I am losing again staying in busy schedules has made my nerves less sensitive in detecting my emotional patterns, less conscious to find peace for my mind.

I can't believe why right now my feelings are so contradictory. I feel I don't want to care about anything, on the other hand there is really a world for me to care; I thought my firend needed me and I was there everytime, but on the other hand, my friend showed me something otherwise... maybe I am misunderstanding something, maybe my friend is just so confused. What should I do? Should I say:"It's ok, I am still your good friend." or should I say:"Why the hell you do this? I've had enough, please get out of my way." or "I think I need some time to figure out if our friendship is really on the right track because I don't think the way you behave is friend-like."...... ??? I don't know if there really is some sort of line(like bottom line) needs to be drawn between friends, or a point where one can say "ok, enough." Ain't being someone's real friend meaning being there for whatever, whenever?

I can't believe I had such good time yesterday, and I'm feeling like "the end" today. But I know things always turn to their opposite when they reaches peak. Maybe I was too damn happy yesterday and I lost my damn mind since then. Maybe I shouldn't have enjoyed the happiness that came so suddenly, I should have thought about how did it come, and why? Why now?

My forever girlfriend saved me. Before I write this, I called her. Since her mobile phone had bad signal, she looked for a public phone and literally standing in snow winds and low temps and talked to me. Oh, my good God, I thank You so much for keeping such a wonderful friend for me, for ever. I admit I have to look at it again on what friendship means when it's with the right person. Althought it was a short conversation but it worth uncountable. Guilty again for why I'm feeling sorry for myself when I do have something like this...

Ohhh.... I got better. BTW, I can't believe how great is the healing power of writing ...

It is so quiet now, only sound is from me tapping on keyboard. Maybe this is what I need-- a moment of seeking within my heart, examining the pains, crying it all out, finding strength and belief again, go on...... Huh, ironically, I wasn't able to complete the process in real world, but it's accomplished in this fabulous virtual community. Thinking about how true each of you are in flesh and bones; having all emotions, happy and sad; reaching out to those who need help like I am now; laughing and crying for joy and sadness... I just love you all, folks.

OK, let's see what good things I can contribute... oh, you guys should have seen this major snow here. It's been beautiful like a wonderland. I have never seen this city is as so spectaculaly pretty as this. Everything is in perfect white, and I'm loving it...

Well, don't want to make this too lengthy. But I hope it find everyone in good spirit. Stay warm for those who live in winter time now

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.