OK. Things were going well, but 2 months ago the usual signs of depression began to return. And now they're here again. Welcome back depression! Wipe your feet on the way in...

Well anyway. I've been fairly suicidal and so therefore have decided to go to inpatient. I will be phoning up CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) tommorrow as they are closed over the weekend. I only told my mum today that I will be doing this and she wasn't very surprised and seems to agree with the decision.

I have no motivation. I'm disgusting: I haven't washed for weeks. The only bathing I've done is in misery. I tried to force myself the other day to get a shower but I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. This is the main reason my mum wasn't that surprised: as for the first time in my 7 year obsession I don't feel like doing anything at all IT wise (Information Techology).

Suicide plans. I have one that I keep thinking about very in depth. Obviously I'm not going to put any details in here because of the mental stability of others. But it involves three main "ingredients". There are some little details I need to iron out - such as how I get to where I'm going, but otherwise it is very well thought out.

Hopefully they'll let me go in. Well I am almost certain they will...or god help me. One more night and tommorrow I finally can start to get something arranged. I'm not going to make myself go to A&E (accident and emergency) as I don't want to go to a general hospital...I want to go to a mental hospital like last time.

Sorry for the long post. Just needed to vent.

I'm never going to escape from the darkness. Even family can't turn me away from suicide.