I jsut don't htink I can talk about it. I have seen things over our years together that make me think he has an addiction, and I have brought up gently that such and such makes me uncomfortable, etc, and I would like to talk about it. He gets very uncomfortable, and won't really talk much and acts like he is a kid beling lectured.

I just can't handle being the "adult" all the time. I am trying to work on my own healing.

You know, before this happened, we had a couple's session and I was talking after dinner about how I am feeling so tired and just need to rest. He was saying that he believes in me and loves me and I was feeling better about us. Now I wish I had not met him. That hurts to say because without meeting him, I wouldn't have my youngest son.

I am in a dangerous situation impulse-wise, because when we were having major issues, I would automatically start adding up money and trying to figure out how I could be on my own with the kids. I never had enough money, but at the moment, because I have my SSDI and back-dated benefits, I have enough to be on my own.

I am fighting that impulse because I also know that he would fight for the kids and probably get custody of my youngest because of my lack of functioning (which happens to be documented now because of my SSDI application). My oldest would probably be sent to live with his dad who is remarried and in a stable situation.
I would break up the family.

So, I go back to my other thoughts I have had in the past which are that I will have to just deal with it for the next 20 or so years until the kids are grown and then get out.

I know it is ridiculous for me to think that way, but that is where my mind goes. Then, when I realize it is ridiculous to think that way, I get angry and want to SI.

I am just trapped. I don't feel safe, but I won't do anything, hopefully, because it would just cause too many problems.

Thank you for letting me rant.