I hurt so much. I feel like I want to dig out all the bad stuff my mom said to me and show it to T so she can see how bad I am. So she will be able to understand why no one likes me. Then she will be able to hate me just like everyone else does. If my own parents can't love me then how is anyone else supposed to? I feel like she just doesn't understand how awful I am. That I need to shock her with all the bad stuff. I don't remember if I've told this T about it all. I need her to understand how awful everything is. And how there is no way to escape it. How people really see me. That some how she has gotten this view of me with rose colored glasses. She doesn't know how bad I really am. I don't want to hurt T, but I do want to shock her. I want her to agree with everyone else about how bad I am. Then I can trust her. I don't know that I can trust nice things. Nice things always have hidden thrones. It is so much easier to trust the bad stuff. People don't make up the bad stuff. But you can make up the happy stuff, I know, I've been doing it my whole life.

I know I've been here before. But I don't remember how to get out. Maybe I'll bring this in to her so she knows I'm there (wherever that is) again.