I had a nightmare the other night. In the dream, I was moving out of this house and my father was here. He started a confrontation like usual when he comes over, but this was much worse. So I told him off. I told him every single thing I always wanted to say to him. Which ended with something I wrote to my husband the other day. "You can't abuse a child since they were a baby and expect them to turn out to be a healthy, productive, functioning member of society". I wrote this to my husband, while me and my son were locked in my room and my father was here screaming insanities about me. You know, because it's my fault I let the dog chew up things. I'm supposed to stay up all night and watch him? Recently, in real life, I have been saying a few things to him that I always wanted to say. Like the last time I told him "I like how eveything is my fault." He just shook his head and walked out the door.

Well, after I was done telling him everything I wanted to say to him in my dream, he started admitting to the sexual abuse. He said, "I came home from a party last night. I wanted to f^$! you so bad. I waited by your bedroom to make sure you were asleep. I really wanted to r*&# you...."
He said A LOT more than that, but I can't remember it all. But he said it in a funny voice. The way he said it, he was making a joke about. He was saying it lightly like he didn't think it was a bad thing what he did. I was really scared and began to cry.

I don't think I want him to admit to it. That would make it too real. When he denies it, I can keep denying it to myself or wondering if it really happened. Half of my mind is telling me no it couldn't have possibly happened, you just dreamed it all up. The other half tells me, look at the symptoms of a sexual abused child, you had them all, you've been battling with mental illnesses at least since you were 4 years old, you had problems with school since you can remember, you had to drop out and get a G.E.D., dispite your high intelligence. You've been revictimized since elementary school. You tried to go to college, but were disqualified, because you couldn't deal with the added stress. You only worked at a taxpaying job for a fews months in your whole life. You can't drive, because you're afraid to. You fear your father many other men who looks or sound or smell like your attackers. You feel extreme vengeful rage toward your father. 95% of you wants to hate him. But that 5%, your inner child, your inner INFANT, wants to still love him and hope that he'll change......How could you not believe something happened to you?

I'm not sure what this dream meant, but it makes me scared to tell my father everything I want to tell him.