Thanks everyone.

I seem to be doing better today. I was short with him in the emails and didn't lie when he asked how I was.. answered with so so.. usually I just say that I am great or fantastic (but stuff him - I think my seeming to be great all of the time is probably easier on him than me being sad/down/angry so I am speaking the truth again).

You are right he is not a true friends and I don't think that he ever will be - too much betrayal, hurt and pain. It's more of me "keeping my enimies close" I think in continuing the contact.. I am sure that once I am totally over it I wont want to even do that. But I have to say that I miss him so much some days.. just having someone that spent so much of my life to be gone is hard. Harder I think because we were friends before we became a couple.. so I miss the 8 years of friendship as much as the 5 years of the relationship.

Lynn P - I just read back over the posts - I feel for you so much. I couldn't live the way you are and my heart goes out to you. You are a very strong woman to be able to keep it together for your children.

Number5 - We aren't together anymore... it's a long story with many threads. I'm not settling for less
I have black moments (like what caused this thread to be started - mainly I think because of another thread) and when the emotions surface it's better to get them out than hold them in.

Once again thanks everyone for the support.

As Sanity said it's a wave that I just have to ride out... heading for the beach now I hope and not stuck out in the ocean xxxooxx