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Where is the line between giving advice and passing judgement? Is it advice when it is something that someone is willing to hear and judgement when it is something someone doesn’t want to hear? Is that the difference? Can one offer advice without being influence by one’s own judgements or opinions? Can one do one without doing the other? Can one really offer unconditional, unbiased support to another? Is that why therapists ask more questions than they provide answers? To be supportive does one need to silence their own feelings, opinions, reactions?
Is empathy enough? Is giving someone a soft place to land or a listening ear enough of a gift for someone to feel supported and comforted? I have been thinking about this the last couple of days while trying to be supportive of members who are caught in difficult situations.
I remember hearing somewhere that the forums are for support and not for giving advice. I have always wondered how one does one without doing the other. How does one provide support without giving advice? Is it the fixer in me that causes this dilemma to remain unanswered for me?
Observing with these questions in mind I see the effectiveness of posts that offer hugs and sympathy and leave it there. Maybe a probing question or a provocative statement but no advice. I see and experience the calm that comes over me when someone acknowledging my pain without saying more. When I am assured with a hug that I am not alone and that someone hears me and cares enough about me to want to hug me and comfort me.
I see and experience the counter effects when someone offers advice when my head is already spinning with my own awareness of what I should or could or need to do. When all I want is a hug and to be told I will be okay. That the pain will pass. The suffering will end. I will be okay. When I am assured I need not do anything but rest in the comfort and safety of a warm friendly unconditional hug.
I also see and experience the support I feel when someone does offer me advice. When someone shows me a way out of my suffering. When someone challenges me to think differently, to make different choices, to take different steps to move out of my suffering. When someone shares their experiences and tells me how they survived a similar situation. When my hand is not only held but I am guided to a safer, better place.
How do we as members of a support community know how to be genuinely supportive of others when there are so many variables at play? Do we as seekers of support need to somehow communicate the form of support we want too? It is that reasonable or even doable?
Beyond all that I also wonder how do we monitor our own investment in how someone receives our support? This is huge for me because I do find I overinvest sometimes and I almost need someone to follow my advice before I can rest or feel good about my support offering. It can become as much about me needing to be validated for what I have to say or have experienced in my life as it is about them needing or wanting my support for their situation. I can get upset if someone doesn’t follow my advice. I think at the time it is because I care about them and want to see their suffering end. I question myself to see if that is all there is to it or if I have entangled my own needs in the mix. I am learning to measure my investment by my reactions to how my support is received but I find it challenging to keep it simple. To keep it simply about supporting another who is in need. To not over invest in either how my support is received by the one in need or how my support is interpreted by other supporters.
I wonder if others wrestle with these kinds of questions regarding their participation on the forum. I just wonder how I can better manage my contributions. I am looking for opinions and advice. I welcome all points of view.
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