(((((((((CMFox))))))))

inconsistency is the nature of abuse. it's the words saying i love you while the hand beats you. 'love' becomes an even more complicated concept than it normally is. somehow abuse survivors are supposed to hold the polar opposite definitions of love in their heads together: the idea that love is beautiful and pure (from movies and tv) and the idea that love is bruises and pain (from real life). real life trumps the movies.

you can't expect consistency from someone who has not been given consistency. she probably has cared about you and probably still does in some part of her. however, Jack is the one that fits with the only definition of 'love' that she has. you didn't 'fit' in that definition...in the 'honeymoon' stage that can be ignored. but with enough time the tension inside her builds as she waits for you to fulfill the other part of 'love'...the pain part.

she probably wants to love you...but she wants to protect herself more, which is understandable given what has happened to her. and once again, contact with you probably only serves to remind her of how 'unworthy' she is and how she doesn't 'deserve' a relationship with you.

this inconsistency is painful for you...and it is painful for her too. but it is all she has with which to protect herself.

i am sure that her reasons for breaking up with you were genuine to some degree...however, she doesn't know how to operate outside the confines of a relationship, specifically an abusive one. many girls jump around in so many relationships that they begin to feel insecure and 'wrong' without a relationship to fall into. their relationships begin to define them. she seems to fit that description...it makes it even worse that her relationships are abusive because abusive relationships all by themselves weave complicated webs that tangle around you and won't let you free.

she probably tried to maintain her single status... but under pressure from her own mind that she needed to be with someone (particularly an abusive someone) and no doubt under double pressure from Jack to come back to him (with all of his false promises) she gave in. she didn't have enough self-identity and self-respect (thanks to the abuse) to stay away.

inconsistency is often the nature of survivors. the desire to give in to something good wars with the need to stay alert for signs of danger and makes us both hot and cold.

i fear i'm babbling again and therefore not making too much sense. i hope that you understand what i am trying to say. if not, i am happy to clarify.

i am sorry for your pain.

-shadow