Good questions, farmergirl. I have to think about it. For starters, I miss Bt even though I criticized her all the time. She said it raised me up to criticize her. But this is different. It's a sinking feeling, a disappointment. I agree it has to do with me. I want everyone to look "normal" including myself though I know no one is perfect.

What am I getting out of it? A way for me NOT to be attracted to her and not repeat my pattern? A chance to criticize myself? I don't know exactly. I just know I walked in and was extremely disappointed like she didn't meet my expectations. I always expect too much and then am disappointed. So maybe it's because I want to spoil my chances for a successful therapy. I don't know which answers are true. I just know I feel depressed.