I emailed Kt last night and said that the disappointment in the session came from realizing that I'm not going to replace Bt with her, that I don't get those feelings I had with Bt. Kt doesn't have power over me; I feel normal with her. But it hurts to feel that way even though it's healthier. I didn't mention anything about physical appearance. She didn't email back yet. There's nothing really for her to say. I also said that I liked the session where I comforted my 6 year old self and I was going to try to do that at home. I fell asleep when I tried, though!

I'm starting at the end with replies since I can only see the second page.

Perna, you're right. I don't notice people's looks after I get to know them. But it was hard not to notice how thin she is compared to most people I know.

Bohemian: I think it's partially true though I don't know I'm doing that. Like I said before, that's why I like closing my eyes in session. I don't get distracted by how the T looks. I think I want to focus on me, but I get your point. It seems like I always try to make it about my T and me.

Peaches: I do find flaws with others, especially my family. I want them to look like my perception of "good" or acceptable. I'm very self-critical too. It could have to do with not allowing for imperfections that make me look different from others, and wanting my family members to look normal too. No one has to be a model, but just has to look presentable and normal according to my standards of "average".

kitten--my daughter had a problem with her weight, so that could enter into it, but I don't see my T as my daughter either. I don't have transference regarding her right now. Maybe I want her to be a friend, so that could be transference.

Brightheart: Yes, I am fearful of intimacy though I crave it. With a T there are limits though. I wanted intimacy with Bt but she didn't want it. I don't understand intimacy with a T. What does it look like?

Luce, I'm trying to figure out the answer, but I don't know! Maybe more huggable like one of my daughters is--not thin. Not heavy either. On the other hand, maybe someone I'm attracted to--physically. Not sexually, but physically. I realize that's a contradiction. Like mother/lover all in one, which I know is what a baby sees in its mother in the early stages. I don't know; I'm guessing. I can't picture the perfect person.

mobius: Very good point! I always had trouble accepting my former T for who she was. I always wanted more or different. I like my new Ts personality better; I just have to stop focusing on what I don't like. I didn't have any expectations at first. I just wanted someone to help me get over my attachment problems. I just don't like people to look too thin.

melba--maybe, but in this case, it just gives me a weird feeling. Could be reminds me of when I saw my daughter so thin. Triggering. Scary for me.

More later....