i've been stuck in therapy hangover since i saw austin-t yesterday. i barely got any sleep, and i feel sick to think it's almost bed time again. i kept waking up thinking about things, eck i get so grumpy when i don't sleep well.

we did sort things out, i think, kind of. he said he believed me when i said he'd said it was "always" hard to connect with me. that was nice - old-t used to deny things like that. he said what he should have said was that i've been very easy to connect with on some things, and that there are other things i've "always" been very hard to connect on. and that he wants those "always" things because those have been the times he's seen me most upset. he said he's seen me twice when i've been really really broken, and it was those times when i needed to open up to him more, not keep things inside. he did say he was really pleased that i have cried on those occassions with him though - at least i got the emotion out - even if i didn't tell him directly what was going on.

i think pdoc must've spoken to him a bit, because the session played out differently too . usually he asks all these questions straight up and it makes me feel awful, like clamming up, but yesterday he just said "what would you like to talk about" and let me take the lead .

so i brought up the connection thing and he said what he had meant to say. but he still said that he had to say it because other people would see me that way also, and i said but i dont talk about this stuff to anyone else. and he told me that was good!! and he told me about boundaries and how some of his clients need to work on not telling everyone everything. so then we talked about how i am with my friends and stuff, and how it becomes difficult to connect when i'm depressed but otherwise things are usually good.

and then there was this gross part where he wanted to talk about relationships . at first it was funny because he wanted to know about my last (and only) partner and he said "i'm assuming he was a guy" and so i set him right on that. and he paused and then he said "well, i am gay" and i had to not laugh because even blind betty could've figured that one out. he said he thought i was pretty and so why didnt i have a boyfriend now and we talked a little bit about that. but then he wanted to talk about sex stuff and that got really scary. and usually im very good at saying 'no' when i dont want to talk about something but i just went into panic. it was dreadful, i needed to self harm but he was sitting there and i didnt know what to do. he said he was sad that i didnt want to have a partner because partners fulfil a lot of needs for people. my head felt so slow, i felt so sad that it was hard for me to shake it to stop. but eventually he asked me if it was too hard and i nodded so he changed topic.

onto dad . he wanted to talk about what happened last year during exams. and he wanted to know if it had happened again this year when i was moving out, because he said he's only seen me really upset twice and the first time was when that was happening. and he said he wasnt going to say the words for me because i had to be the one to tell him.

he was such a *****. i give an inch and he takes a mile. but i told him how i wasnt sure if i was lying and stuff, and that was good because it was something i've wanted to talk about for a long time. at first he said he still believed me, but eventually he started asking me to tell him more and then he didnt seem so sure. he said it's difficult when i dissociate, and when things happen in the night, because how do i know if it's real or a dream or dissociation or one of those night time hallucinations?? but he also said i need to stop worrying about it - stop censoring myself through fear that i might be telling lies - and that he'd use his clinical judgement with me. he said even if it was my unconscious making all of this up, that it was pushing this stuff to the top because it was something i was scared about, that it was linked to my past. and i asked him what if i had always been this way - always making things up and finding it hard to keep separate and he asked me if i always had been and i said 'yes' but then i was too scared to say more.

and then i dont know what happened but eventually he was saying "we have to leave it there" and i was very confused about what had happened - where did things connect. and he was talking about something for me to reflect on, and i was confused about why i hadnt followed this conversation, but he said something about how he and pdoc were there for me to give the big stuff to so they could carry it for me while i lived my life until the next time i saw them. so maybe he was saying to reflect on that. and we made a new appt for next week and then he had to rush to a meeting but he told me again when we were leaving that he'd left me a lot to reflect on and... . but he was in a rush and i didnt want to say anything because i felt rather rude for not following, but at the same time it felt like maybe he had had this conversation by himself? because certainly it wasnt something i'd even been there for, or heard in the background while i was checking out. so. no clue.

eck. anyway. that's my big session run down from yesterday. i try to type here because otherwise i know i'll forget things, and it helps me to process, and it keeps it off my computer so no one else can get access to it. im kind of stuck with a lot of stuff from yesterday though, and im debating whether to ask for an earlier session or not (monday instead of thurs). the other option is to take some sleeping pills. i had a pretty crap night last night. not that usual heavy-after-therapy feeling, or feeling raw, just a lot of stuff and ugh.

i need to plan what to talk about next week too now (i hope he lets me be in charge next week again ) because i do want to talk about the 'making things up' stuff more, but i know i need to talk around it a bit more before i can give him evidence about why i've always been this way. i wish i could get everything over with faster. i hate this being drawn out.

thanks for reading this far if anyone got here .