wow,i decided to pull out my old therapy journals that i kept years ago when i was in therapy.i would have thought after so many years that things would have looked a little differnt to me.even with being older and stuff you would think that the way i think about things might have changed.as i read pages after pages i realized that this isnt the case.the only thing that has changed from then untill now is the fact that i no longer use self abuse as a way to cope with things.not that i dont think about it often ,believe me i do.it is just so sad.you would think after 20 years that i would have developed some sort of healthy way of thinking and dealing.no i may not injure myself anymore but everything else about me is exactally the same.as i was reading i even used the same words,i have the same way of thinking,the same issues.i see how i still view things in the same way now as i did then.yes i have learned how to controle my behaviors and i have even read about myself and how i went through that prossess.how i needed to learn how to burry all my feelings and emotions and just about everything that i am to be able to not hurt myself anymore and be able to leave the residental program i was in for years.it is heart breaking to read about the prosses i went through of just destroying who i am to create the person i am today.the people in the program had no idea what i did or how i suddenly became so funtional and was able to move on.through adding layers and layers of deception built on anger, regrets,self loathing,fear,miss trust,emptyness,etc...the bigest thing i descovered is that although i thought i changed i see i didnt.at the core i am still the same defective person.i think what were all those years of therapy for????it seems like nothing.so what i no longer injure myself,that makes it all ok nobody knows my pain anymore.it is all hiden nice and neat.for them job accomplished.BUT IM STILL THE SAME.and now i am affraid i will always be this person.god i read about how i cant talk in therapy,how alone i am,how angry i am .i just read one screwed up view after another and things 20 years later are still the same WOW god i hate myself.