Oh granite, I'm sorry! There are 2 kinds of change, they are both easy and hard in different ways. I guess it depends how you look at it. I know which change that I like better. The most enduring change is the deep change. Really examining stuff and working through it. The other change is mind over matter like, forcing your behavior to change without working the deep stuff. It sounds like you did #2 just to survive. I can just imagine you in that residential program making the decision that you would do what you had to do to get out of there. That really is a strong thing to do for a teenager. What determination and strength that you must have had to carry that off. But now it sounds like you need to do the change that is most enduring and starting to talk to your therapist would be the first step on that journey.