We cannot change how we feel. Feelings are merely information so when we're angry, happy, sad, hurt, etc. that is just telling us how we are perceiving OUR world (does not necessarily tell us about Reality, merely our own reality).

When we were hurt as children and discovered the depth of our hurt when we were older and had more words and good therapy, that does not change the hurt. There have to always be scars, there is no miracle healing as if there was no hurt in the first place; what you see on your body from self abuse is similar to what your "soul" looks like; little white marks of scar tissue. What you no longer see though is open, often infected, wounds.

We will always have our issues, our "buttons" but the tools we develop to keep the buttons from being pushable and the speed with which we can recognize and recover from the old issues, "Oh, that's that old issue again!", that takes a lot of work and is a good job. But that's what living is all about. I like my scars and use them to remind me how far I've come, what I've done (yes, I burnt my arm on the stove but I was cooking a meal, I can cook now, haven't always been able to :-) Every now and then I look for certain ones and just like your tongue explores your mouth during/after a visit to the dentist, I look at my "psychic" scars too, play with the buttons, remember how bad "that" hurt, etc.

I think it's good you kept and reread your old journals. I think it's fantastic that you no longer self abuse; that is a change anything but "only".