OK. In therapy we have been working on my being able to talk about my abuse.

Yesterday morning, I had this dream that I was with my two oldest sisters (12 and 13 years older than me) in a furniture store. I have no clue what is significant about a furniture store. :-) At any rate, as has been the case most of my life, I was trailing them by a fair bit and they didn't seem to notice they were leaving me behind. (You know, the little kid always gets avoided when she wants to go play with the big kids and they just think she's a pest and try to send her away.)

(Sorry -- big pet peeve of mine!)

Anyway, so I'm running around this furniture store looking for them, and finally give up. This is where it gets weird.

The dream up to that point had been in color, but it shifted to black and white suddenly, when I was leaving the furniture store on my own. Some ambiguous dream person, as my T calls them -- shadowy figures, don't look like anyone you know, etc -- was sitting by the store exit and giving me trouble about something or another.

I looked at ambiguous-dream-person, yelled to him/her/it at the top of my lungs, "I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED BY MY MOTHER!," and went off in a huff out the store.

YOWZA.

This T is the first one -- well, not only the first T, the first PERSON, ever, that I have told anything about this. It's taken 2 years for me to be able to slowly be able to discuss it, and I still have panic attacks when I have to talk about it. My sibs don't know, my friends don't know, my pdoc knows only generalities. Only my T knows it all.

WHY I cannot bring myself to say what I said in this dream out loud in my real life I have no clue. It sure wasn't very hard in the dream, LOL. I don't know if that was supposed to be "practice" for saying it out loud, or it's just been on my mind lately without my realizing it, or what, but that was pretty damn creepy. I woke up drenched in sweat and feeling like I hadn't slept in a year, even though I'd been in bed, unconscious, 9 hours or so.

I dunno, you guys. I need thoughts and hugs and ideas.

Candy