It's 1:30 am and I am feeling so alone and yet there is a constant echo in my head. Trying so hard to connect yet so afraid to step that far within. The walls around me seem to breath once again and yet it is my own breathe that keeps the rhythm I see. The little one that is there in the walls where we used to escape to when things were so bad that we could not be silently cries with words that I cannot really make out yet seems to get louder the closer I get.

I thought that part of me die a long time ago but I see now that it is because I stepped away from that place and though I have so many times felt the walls breathing and the floor and ceiling closing in on me, I never really connected she was still there. And now that it is time to go to her to help her get out, I am struggling to go.

Seems I start to go and it is there that the walls begin to breathe again and I feel them closing around me. I get through the layers that seem to line themselves within me, and I get almost to the very small small voice that almost seems to be so loud when I get to that place, yet I cannot go any further for those that hurt me seem to line that wall and I cannot get there. Their arms connect as if playing redrosie and I cannot break through for to go would be to get caught and suffocate within their capture.

I have to turn back because I cannot go there yet I hear her once again from a distance. The wall within as I turn is breathing harder and I know that it is my own breath that is taking place outside of myself. I feel like I am running at this point to get away. Yet it feels as though the wall will close around me for I cannot go fast enough. Fear entraps me as I try to move and I almost feel as though I am walking in quicksand that is pulilng me down much too fast.

Why does this feel as though it is so real and that I am entrapped within? I know I have to go to her to help her get out, to let her know that it is okay now, but it is not somewhere I can get to without a fight. But who am I fighting? Myself and the fear or is it something more? I know that in order for me to go any further I have to take this step. But I do not see how and I am so afraid.

Every night this same feeling comes whenever I try to sleep. I feel this need to write and to try so hard to put down where I am so someone will know. So that if somehow I cannot get back someone will know where I am. I know this does not make sense but to me and those within it is screaming out maybe louder every night. Somehow I have to get there.

Maybe this post does not make sense, but for some reason I feel I need to write it out. Somehow this feels as though I am connecting somewhere. Somehow I feel I am not so alone when I come here. For several weeks now I have been writng nonstop through the night. It feels as though I have to write. Sleep does not come and I wonder how am I doing this. Emotions have felt so high and I feel myself shutting down to those outside for fear they will see what it is I am holding.

SIlence surrounds me except what I hear within and somehow I cannot shut it off. And it gets so loud at night for that is when it feels as though everything becomes real again. I just wish somehow I could make sense as to what I am trying to say. Or maybe I am not trying to say anything. I do not know anymore. All I know is I am scared and though I feel I am right where I am suppose to be will I ever find a way to sleep again?

dps