Quote:
Originally Posted by treehouse
I'm not sure that "dependency" on our T's while we're doing the hard, hard trauma work is a bad thing. I know that I have NEVER been able to depend on anyone to be there for me, to take care of me, to make sure I am okay. Letting myself depend on T has been so, SO healing for me. If he wasn't open and willing to let me be dependent on him for a while, I honestly don't know if I could have done the work I've done.
Now that we're on the other side of the trauma stuff, I am learning to lean more on people outside of therapy. Having the experience of being allowed to lean so heavily on T has made me feel safe and supported enough to start to allow myself to truly connect with people outside of therapy. I know now that I CAN allow myself to depend on other people.
For me, I think it's like a pendulum. I spent my life being completely, 100% independent, never asking for help, never expecting to be loved. T let the pendulum swing to me be dependent for as long as I needed to. And now the pendulum is settling in the middle, at "interdependence" with people OUTSIDE of therapy, which is how we are supposed to be...depending on one another, helping each other, believing that we are worth connecting with, and being willing to connect with others.
I am moving towards being much less dependent on T. It is a transition, and transitions are hard, but it feels right. Because I allowed myself to depend on T for as long as I needed to , I don't NEED to in the same way anymore. If T hadn't been so open to my dependence, I don't think I would be where I'm at in my healing right now.
This is just *my* experience, and I know it's not right for everyone. But I just want to show that being dependent is not always a bad thing. Not at all.
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Tree, there are various levels of dependency. In my experience, it's a slippery slope if a therapist allows a patient to become too dependent. I think that is why many Ts are careful, especially with certain patients (BPD) who have a tendency to want to merge and end up losing their own sense of identity completely. My T is always there when I need her and that has been extremely helpful since most of my childhood was spent on my own and not having anyone there for me. so she is there. But she doesn't take care of me. Tree, you always have something to say whenever i comment about dependency, so i wonder if you are sensitive about this subject, you seem to be defensive.
I had a T for years who allowed me to become overly dependent. She had good intentions and cared a great deal about me, but she went down the slippery slope with me and it was very painful when she decided she had to change the way she did therapy. She said we had become too enmeshed. Completely decided no physical contact after years. I was devastated! No hugs or holding..nothing. Sometimes you don't realize how bad it gets until something is forced to change. Tree, I've been in the situation. Ts are supposed to be helping you to help yourself, allowing for some dependency, but careful not to go too far. Also, i was never able to work through any trauma as long as i was overly dependent...I became helpless. Needed T to deal with everything that came up. Couldn't cope alone with the feelings. Self-harmed, took pills to cope with the hard feelings. That didn't help. My current T knows that what we want isn't always what we need. I have worked through nearly all of my trauma and she has been there right beside me, but when i go home, i can take care of myself, i have the skills. If I need T, I can call her anytime and she will call back and we will talk for a few minutes. I feel a strong connection with her in a healthy way. We are walking side by side in this journey, not merged into one.
And Zoo, i just read that sometimes in DBT it is preferable to have twice weekly sessions. I think it depends on the person. I think therapists have to be careful about dependency concerns and find a balance where the patients get what they need while not getting too dependent.