Thank you all for the hugs, that's what I needed...

I noticed all of you are either Grand members or Veteran Huh, just when will I have an adjective before the M, sigh...

All right, I'm ready to explain what bothered me that concerns the friend of mine last night. Although I'm feeling much better today, but still, I don't know what is right to do, I need to find my position and then set this matter aside.

The friendship we have is the kind of between generations. He is about 20yrs older than me. He has been assigned to work in a very depressing country where he sees a lot of social and political pressure, it's hard to live in such country for a westerner like him. Everytime he gets to spend some days in Beijing, he'd feel like paying a visit to heaven. He calls going back there is back to prison. Anyway, we've known each other more than 2 yrs, and he seemed pretty normal in the beginning, the time he just got to that country. In the last 10 month, he's been acting strangely, he didn't reply my emails, once in a blue moon, he'd drop some lines suggesting he'd been fighting with flu, or the damn situation he's in, then disappeared again. I somehow understood why he's been like that, complained nothing, but I kept on writing him cause I figure if I were in such situation, I'd need all my friends' spirits still be around. I wrote him when I felt it's time to do so, regardless if there is reply or not. But my heart has never been calmed, especially when the situation got worsen politically in that country over the last 3 month, I'd worried westerners could be kidnapped there. So, I wrote to express my concerns and expected to get something back even just serveral words like "I'm ok."... But nothing...

The day before yesterday, I recieved his call. Was a big surprise and a great relief. Met up and had dinner. He explained that he wasn't able to write back because he had been really down staying that place. And there were also many other factors. He wasn't able to write to none of his friends, and he felt bad about it... I detected he was truthful about what he said, and seriously, he is my friend, I should be supportive. He said he had to go back to "prison" this morning, and he only had one more day in Beijing and that just made him sort of feeling depressed. I asked him why he didn't consider changing job, he gave no direct answer, but sounded to me a lot of concerns were disturbing him from making a clear decision.

At last, he asked if I had time the next day after work, and he'd like to call and meet again. I said ok. Then was yesterday, I heard nothing from him. When I was off work, I called him, nobody answered. Can you believe that? There he goes again... I know it's no big deal, but it is a big deal considering how much I've tried to just be his friend. I think if he wasn't able to make it to have another meet, then at least drop a call and let me know. It's like when you make an appointment with someone, when you can't do it, you'd definitely need to call and cancel it, right? Do you mean I don't deserve to be respected because it's a small thing and it's between two good friends? Scraw that! Even there's no decent excuse, what's wrong to just say:" Toni, I'm sorry I'm feeling depressed again, I think I'd rather be by myself."... Is it hard to do to be just true to me, to himself??

I know he isn't the kind of discourteous people, he is as a matter of fact very polite and decent British gentleman. So, let's just assume he is depressive as hell because of the idea of going back. Why? Why he can't talk it out? He made the decision to stay in that positon, didn't he? Can a person neglect what his friends feel becasue of his own problems? Isn't he worried about losing all friends someday because of his own behaviors? Should I be taken for granted that I'd be there for him for whatever? I know what depression is, but maybe he's going through something more serious? Like autism?

I couldn't and can't be mad at him because when I see the sad expression on his face, I just think maybe there's something I can't understand but he needs to be understood. I don't know what it is. He told me he is currently having a relationship with someone who is emotionally depending on him, that made him so worried and scared. He describe this woman would have mega problems if he wasn't there. But he can't support her any longer sicne he really has enough of his own stuff to deal with. I guess it's really hard to reach out for others when you don't get your own stuff together... I don't look at his life as a mess, because it's not although it appears to be. For someone who is in 50s and not happy, I think there is a decision to make. Oh, maybe... I don't know, I don't think I'm in a position to have an opinion about it since I'm relatively too "young".

He is probably already in the "prison" by now. I don't know what I should do. Still be his friend when he needs? Let it go?... Just what the hell does his freaking silence mean? (pardon me). I thought I have a big heart, but I'm not feeling very ok about what happened.

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.