Ok guys. Today in session at the end, T made a comment about something I said. Then he quickly covered his mouth and looked shocked. He knew he messed up and so did I. It was not a big thing really ... but he was saying what was on his mind rather than what a T would have said. He was being a human
Well, I have been thinking about it for hours now and it just was making me sader and sader thinking of it. Very much just in shock and wondering what else T thinks that he does not say to me. It make me feel like I was back in highschool where people would be nice to me when around me but would cut me down when they thought I was not there. ugggs
Well, I sent him an email on it. I meet with him again Monday and would have saved it until then, but I have so much internal work I need to do before Monday and I could not do any of it with this on my heart. So I ended up writing him this:
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T,
Sorry to write you but I have to follow my own advice on support chat to clarify with a T something that needs clarification if mental healing is put at risk. In this case, it is for me and I have been thinking about it for a few hours and if I don't email you now on this - even if you don't reply at all (which is fine) - well I will be double guessing myself all weekend on this item rather than doing my focus work on my main problems - which I have a TON of internal work I have to get done before I see you again. So I have to write this now.
When you said that about my mom - and you knew you should not have said what you thought just in that way - well it did impact me. Was thinking real hard about what to do with that. So here are just my thinking points. And I want to try a rupture technique a friend told me about months ago = where you talk to your T about the issue with your T but do it as if the T you have the issue with is a different person than the T you are telling.
1) I did not want to tell my T that this hurt me when I heard him say what he did about my mom. I love how my T is so honest with me about everything and I value that more than anything right now. I need it more than anything. And I am very afraid that if I tell my T that this hurt me that he will be too guarded in what he says and I will feel that and then will not trust him as much to be honest with me.
2) The reason it hurt me was because of a few different things.
a. I know T knew he should not have said it the way he did say it, but knowing that made me wonder what else he thinks about me that he would not tell me. I need to trust T because right now that is the only human on Earth I actually do trust. I know he is human and that is cool. But now my heart is feeling like maybe he is just like all the other people I ever knew who said one thing to me but thought different things about me. I always ended up finding out their mind and when I did, it hurt more than if I just knew it honestly to start with. Does my T really see me the way the tone sounded to me? Did I totally mishear what T said? What I heard was "You don't want to stand up for yourself to your dad because you keep thinking "Poor Mommy" and being that way is childish and immature. You should not care about her in this situation. You are weak when you care about others more than you care about yourself." I don't know what my T meant honestly - that was just the tone and what my heart heard from what came out. Does he think I am weak for just being me? I do tend to love others more than I love myself. But that is not wrong. I need to draw better lines. But being that way is not a fault - at least I did not think it was until T said that. Now I am confused about who I am as a human? I don't want to be cold to others. I am very confused now.
b.What if T is totally right? T knows a lot more than I do about all this stuff. How do I change who I am as a person? How do I not care so much about my mom's potential pain to my actions to protect myself?
uggggs
Anyway, I suppose that sums this up. I do feel better for just getting it out there.
I also know that bringing it up to you is a part of me learning how to communicate my needs and issues in an adult way. No self harm due to the internal tossing and turning from this. Just a simple letter to T. And obviously happy that I do indeed trust my T enough to be able to send an email like this. Something that I never before would have been strong enough to do. All of this would have been internalized and feed down into the deepest holding area of my soul to fester away in silence.
Thank you again so much,
WP
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Ok you guys .... did I do right by emailing T this??? Is it too stupid sounding???? ugggggggs!!!
