Oh, (((((((((((jexa))))))))))))))). I'm sorry it feels SO horrible

Sometimes when I feel really really icky and horrible about something I've disclosed to T, I imagine what *my* reaction would be like if someone told those things to me. And you know, my reaction is NEVER "what a horrible disgusting gross person", my reaction is "there's a lot of pain there" or something equally gentle. And I try to make myself understand that THAT is how T is thinking of ME. Because it is, and it's how your T is thinking of you.

But. The feelings of ick, and of anger....those are REAL. When I feel really icky and angry, I need to do something to discharge some of that pent up stuff inside of me. Sometimes I'll take a big black marker and write page after page after page of whatever angry, mean, hateful thing I want to write, to whoever I want to write it to. They'll never see it, and it helps me calm down inside. Sometimes I drive in my car and SCREAM. I've hit a punching bag with a baseball bat. There is so much ENERGY in all of that "ick" and all of that fear and all of that anger. Is there a way, that isn't harmful to yourself, that you can let some of it OUT?

It won't always feel this bad.