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Old Apr 16, 2010, 11:48 PM
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mafub mafub is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2010
Location: ROCKY MTN HI
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fool Zero View Post
Anything you need me to know about what just came up for you? I don't hear you saying I was trying to bug you and fwiw, I wasn't.

Since I don't seem to be in serious trouble with you quite yet, I'm ready to continue if you're willing:

From here (at a safe distance! lol) I see several overlapping things going on: your sister's obviously at risk with the stuff she's doing and you don't want her to come to a bad end. You're studying to be a T someday and help people like her, and you probably wouldn't mind a bit if you found you were ready to make a difference in some way even now. Your sister, meanwhile, seems to think that if she lets you do anything for her, you win and she loses. It's possible that you have some of the same going on, but if so, I have no idea how much it's there or how important it is to you. She may very well be carrying around some long-standing grudge, either against you or against a whole lot of people including you. She may be wishing (whether she's ready to admit it or not) she could untangle her relationship with you and be able to love you without also hating you.

I don't claim to be any good at dealing with situations like that; I've had lots more practice steering clear of them than in making my way through them. Still, if I were to find (as you seem to be finding) that the more I did something the worse the results were, I'd start looking for ways not to do it any more. Easier said than done -- you've tried everything, the opposite of that is nothing, and doing nothing isn't an option. Unless maybe it is...

We're talking about doing the impossible here, so we'd better start by sprinkling the situation with a little pixie dust. There!

------- Entering Fool Zero's fantasy. -------
Please watch your step.
Now -- I'm picturing you acknowledging (first of all to yourself) that you don't know what you're doing and that what you've been doing doesn't seem to be working. Then, after you've hung out with that for a while, you might look at sharing it with your sister. I'm not by any means talking about doing this as some kind of technique, where you say the magic words and your sister can't help getting with the program. I mean, you share what's so for you and no more, and you stop there. Then it's her choice where to go with it. Whatever she says, you just get it. She might tell you to go to hell; if she does, you're not required to go. Get that she said it, though, and if you don't resist she might eventually consider tell you a little more just to see how you take it.
------- Leaving Fool Zero's fantasy. -------
Please watch your step.

(What happened? Where am I?)

After writing the above, I reread the rest of your reply. It looks like I'm not saying anything you haven't already said in some way, and I'm not sure what the difference is between your way of saying it and mine.

I feel a Zen story coming on -- maybe this one. I'm pretty sure the secret was that the teacher didn't do what he did as a technique; if he had, it wouldn't have worked, and he knew that better than anyone.

If none of the available paths seem to go the way you're going, I say it's time to try going cross-country!


I'm with you FZ. This situation is going nowhere! Same oh, same oh!

I was in an extreme enabling roll with my son. I was so easily manipulated; guilt trip and all. Fast forward---I quit seeing & talking with him. Any calls were ignored or taken by my H. No more money, no more paying for treatment after treatment! Paying for his apartment. (I was in deep)!

He hit a stone wall with me. He continued his destructive behavior for months. He managed to get by and I don't care how, it was his choice and I didn't have any more suggestions or unsaid wise words. Most remarkable, I felt a peace within myself, I had been strong. Strong for him! That is what he needed most; to work on himself. He couldn't with me always available.

He called recently, happy! Been sober for awhile now and got a job. Loves me and happy with his recent success. We had a good visit and no problems were discussed, only his conceived "break through!" He had a close encounter and he mustered the strength to turn around and walk away. Never did that before! He earned this period of being proud, and it may lead to continued success, one moment at a time!

With me interfering with his self-examination and work, he may have never reached a point of being his own man. Maybe this and maybe that..who will ever know? But I know!! My past with him was the wrong way. I, too, am proud I stepped out. I showed my strength. We both won, separately. Now we can have an adult to adult relationship!

Hooray for us!! These relationships can have a reasonably good outcome.
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