Thanks everyone for your replies.
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For every hour in a classroom, a teacher / trainer / academic will spend much more than that outside the classroom; researching, thinking about the "journey" so far and the way forward, and making plans. I think that the t's do that also - and it's magnified because each client is a different experience entirely - different topics, different subject to work with who has unique needs / capabilities / challenges...
it's true they have probably heard it all, after a number of years, but that's to your benefit. And I really don't believe they can do this work well - effectively - without putting their hearts into it. my $0.02
this is for you ((((((((((((((((((((( chronic )))))))))))))))))))))))
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Sittingatwatersedge- If anyone else posted my post, I would say exactly the same thing as you have said! But because its me, its different- T cant possibly care about me or do anymore thinking than when I am in session. Even though he has said he thought about me when he was on this or that course, or that part of his job as a T is to prepare for session 24 hours before. I just dont believe he would do those things for me- for all his other patients, yes, but not for me.
Thank you for the hugs
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Do you have any objective evidence of T's caring for you? Can you think back to anything--a warm smile or kind words or a voicemail/email or anything like that?
I've actually asked T before if she cares. I wonder if you can ask?
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Griffin- There are times that I can remember when T has been especially kind to me, like when he missed his daughter's first day of school so that he didnt have to reschedule out appointment, or when he winks at me when he is trying to lighten the mood, but none of it sinks in. I am so grateful for him doing these things, but I just dont believe that he really does care.
I think I need to ask T to care or show he cares more, but I cant tell him or ask him. Im just not at that point with him yet. And it really hurts to feel that he doesnt care as much as I need him to.
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Chronic, when you say you speak about this regularly, do you mean that it's difficult to open up or why it's difficult to open up (i.e., your worries - that you experience on a feeling, not an intellectual level - about what he might do or how he might respond)? When I read the first part of your post, the first thing that jumped to mind was shame. I've been told in the past that the only way to deal with shame is to expose it, to talk about it over and over, until it loses some of its edge. Shame is about feeling bad to the core (been there, still doing it sometimes), and often carrying the belief that no one *really* cares.
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Mobius- yes you are right, I dont believe that I am worth caring about at all, and that is confirmed in all areas of my life except for T. We talk about WHY its difficult, to try and make it less difficult- nothing working so far!
I am so glad that you found a T who has given you direct feedback about how you effect her life- that must be a lovely feeling
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My t and my pdoc will often actually thank me for being open with them. They know it is a difficult process and acknowledge that to me with their thanks. And I know they do think about me at least now and then when I'm not right in front of them because they'll occasionally call me unrequested, or they'll mention having thought about my situation while they were doing something else. When t and I were talking about my need to decompress after a crisis, he related it to how he deals with me when I am in crisis. He is focused and in management mode (and nobody get in his way while he's in crisis management mode). It is after he knows that I am safe that he takes the time to "feel" about me and my situation. It meant a lot to me to hear him say that he does "feel" about me; in other word, he gets scared during those crises too.
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Farmergirl- this made me cry! I am so jealous of the relationship you have with your T and p-doc. I want that! This is what I want SO much from T but I dont feel I get. I know it is for me to tell T this, that he cant read my mind, but I feel like I dont deserve anything from T- after all he listens to me in session- I shouldnt want or need any more than that