I can understand how you feel - I considered it to be "self-harm by stealth" because I knew I was compromising my health but that seemed like a good thing to me. Maybe this is something you could talk to your doctor about? - why you are reluctant to take medication, and what other options you have.

Lifestyle changes, as Perna suggested, are worth looking at too - I have started walking more regularly and it has done me a lot of good, physically and mentally, so there is less incentive to carry on in self-destruct mode.

Take care