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tracylee said: Isnt life grand?? One person can change the rest of our lives no matter how much we try not to revisit the past. In other words, we are still being manipulated even though we have taken our selves out of the equation. Does that make sense or I am totally nutso?? Take care everyone.

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Tracylee,

This is just the point I was trying to get at. The pattern seems to follow us. I've noticed this in my own posts and lots of other posts. It's like we are colourblind about certain parts of life.

If a salesperson comes to the door, we know their agenda, and hopefully we know that their flattering remarks are part of a sales pitch. When the manipulator flatters, we don't spot what they are selling, because they hide it cleverly. Cleverness is the prime weapon of the manipulator.

One manipulative method is flattery, but more toxic is the method of systematic undermining. We are led to believe that there is something wrong with us that only this person can fix, and if we don't accept just what they say, we are being 'bad'. This is a loathsome practise, and it hurts even to write about it.

I think that people who have been hurt in this way can become hopelessly submissive and approval seeking in their lives. Then, if we are very unlucky, we take this approval seeking behaviour straight to another manipulator.

The point of the present post is to remind us all that we can change this pattern, as I believe I have (hopefully).

Two behaviours to watch out for with new acquaintances are flattery and undermining, or both together. One or two flattering remarks is fine, but IMHO we should be careful if it gets too much. Undermining we should take as a definite no no and get out of there.

One psychologist said that we should think of how we feel with new acquaintances. If we feel a kind of 'pull' then go careful. She said that in healthy relationships there is no 'pull' the exchanges are balanced. I know the feeling.

The absolute BEST defence against manipulators is to be in a friendship group of regular people. Regular people feel so different from manipulators, the whole experience is different. Also the groups act as a protection, with our friends vetting newcomers and giving us feedback. We see this happening in TV shows (Friends?) all the time, and my daughter has a great friendship group like this.

Manipulators know this and look for people on the outside, who don't have strong friendship groups. Guess what? Previous victims are often without friendship groups and they are easy targets.This is a hard truth.

Well, at the end of all this, PC is a friendship group and a good one. We don't have 3d contact but our exchanges are every bit as good as an intimate 3d friendship group, in my view. So let's look out for each other.

Good thoughts, M