Gessh, 4 am, I am watching a movie.. AJ strolls down stairs. I am pretty zoned into the movie, not paying much attention to him... He asks where is the spaghetti sauce.. I told him his dad brought some groceries and I made his dad a "huge" plate of spaghetti. The guy was hungry.. He chowed down the spaghetti in no time. AJ said why are you making up stories.. What! I am not making up stories.. Your dad ate the spaghetti.. And AJ went on and on and I murmered, ok I know I should not have said this, but I did, "geesh psycho".. and AJ flipped..

He said don't you ever say that again. I can hurt you more than you know. I said you can't hurt me any more..You have already done a good job hurting me.. So I zone back to the movie and out of the corner of my eye I saw AJ grab the dog food dishes and was going to throw them.. Since I did not feed into his "anger".. He put the dog dishes back on the floor and made something to eat...

And I might add, leaving the kitchen a total mess.. Anyway, I just realized that AJ "wants me to be afraid of him".....Thinking this has to be a "control" issue.. Along with his abusive ways...He can be soooo nice and yet he can be the devil...What a combo....Guess the bottom line is he wants me to be afraid of him..

I also realized that I am starting to "numb" out again.. And I bet tomorrow I will even forget what I am feeling this morning...Thinking not only do I zone into watching movies, I must be zoning out to what goes on here..Maybe I am zoning into the "Pollyanna" mode.. Ha! I am zoning into something, whatever it is, because things change so much here, I wake up, and say woooooo, what the hell, and then wham, I am gone.. Ha! Thinks I like being gone much more than "waking up".. ha

Since I really don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff, I write here. I try talking to AJ's dad, but he gets toooo upset and to be honest, he really doesn't need any more stress...Poor guy has more than enough on his plate.. And this stuff with AJ.. Maybe I am over sensitive. Maybe I let little things get to me..Maybe I make mts out of mole hills.. Maybe just maybe I just need to zone out all the time...

.....I feel so guilty writing these awful things about AJ. Makes him look really bad and that is not my intentions..I don't know what makes him rage at me. I don't understand..He can be as nice as he can be ugly... shrugs da shoulders..He has lots of good qualities....he don't be l00 percent bad..sometimes I like him.... right now I don't......

I am not writing this for responses. I just need to say what is happening with me. And da stuff that happens here..I really do need to do a blog. A blog can't be that hard. And I can rant all I want without such a public display....Definately going to check into blogs tomorrow....

Off to happy, sleepy land for now.......